Woundology

Woundology is about using our wounds -- our hurts, our traumas, and the unfortunate events in order for the wounded person to manipulate others, elicit sympathy or compassion, to gain a measure of power and/or authority, and/or to claim allowance for their disagreeable actions.  It is a specialized form of Scapegoatology, in which the world, Fates, outrageous fortune, and most everyone else is blamed for what the woundee has experienced.  Woundology is about claiming compensation for the woundee’s problems by others acquiescing to their demands and arguments, allowing the woundee to have their way, extending sympathy in most every form, and forgiving the woundee’s failings and faults.  

(With specific regard to faults, it is preferable that one not dwell on them.)  

Carolyn Myss (http://www.myss.com/) has had much to say about Woundology. 

On one occasion, in the midst of a group of conference attendees, there was a polite disagreement between a man and a woman, the latter whom had lost two children in separate, unrelated automobile actions when the children were in their late teens and early twenties.  When the woman became angered by the man’s refusal to agree to her arguments, the woman claimed that when the man had lost two children as she had, then she would listen to him, but not otherwise!  The loss of the children had absolutely nothing to do with the argument, but the attempt to use the deaths of her children to have the last word was, in fact, successful.  The man shrugged his shoulders and realized the futility of any further discussion.  (But he wasn’t convinced of her argument.)

An counter example was a young mother (probably as ideal a mother as one is likely to ever encounter) who was at lunch with her church group one Sunday.  She was her bright, cheery self, and no one had the faintest clue of any underlying concerns, or that she was scheduled for brain surgery the following day.  Her son, boyfriend, and a few select friends (who would be assisting in some of the at-home caretaking) were aware of her health problem, but were also cognizant of her desire not to resort to woundology.  (Her operation was successful, by the way, and she continues to be her charming self!)  

Woundology is not about asking or not asking for help when one needs it.  Not asking is more like stubbornness, martyrdom, and other questionable activities.  As with so many situations, it is the intentions that count.  Eliciting sympathy is sad, but requesting specific help is glad.  The two may sound very similar.  But one diminishes us by trading on our wounds, while the other is about love and connection.

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